So this is the first failed month of baby making. As of today we have no baby. So I guess you could say our first successful month of not making a baby. We would be doing really well right now if our aim was to not be pregnant. So in order for this baby making process to not make me feel completely insane and out of control, I have decided I will control how I talk about it.
I have spent all of my adult life up until now trying NOT to get pregnant! I guess I have done a great job! I have never had any children and have never been knocked up. I distinguish the two for obvious reasons, people can get knocked up and still not have children for any number of reasons, which I will not speak about. So I am pretty successful at not having children, I thought I would be equally successful at having children. I have tracked my ovulation and thought this is going to be a piece of cake! I should get this on the first shot(so to speak). Well Month one is done and ladies and gents that little test is negative. Talk about a blow to the ego and to the heart. Kind of crushing news first thing in the morning I must say. (Can they not make tests that you can take right before bed? Ya know so you can cry yourself to sleep instead of having to buck up so you can go to work.)
Ok so letting my friends know I am trying was a bad idea for so many reasons. They all want to give you advice and the worst is advice too, "relax, stop trying, don't worry you won't get pregnant on the first try." "Relax" that word makes me tense up just at the sight or even the very beginning sound of the 're', when I hear that I know what's coming next! If I could relax don't you think I would? I have tried relaxing, but that was more work than just doing what needed to be done. "Stop trying" doesn't that kind of defeat the purpose? I mean if I were to get pregnant while not trying, I would have failed the not trying part right? I hate failing! The last one up there really burns me up inside! "Don't worry you won't get pregnant on the first try." Wait a tick! Aren't I supposed to get pregnant on the first try? I mean I know all the science and research, but people get pregnant on the first try all the time! People sometimes make it obvious they don't want you succeed, they say things that get in your mind and place doubt there. I have a friend that I really don't want to tell that I am not pregnant because I don't want to see that smug look of satisfaction at my failure or in her eyes the satisfaction of being right.
So begins what now feels like it's going to be a long treck to being a parent. My hats off to those that have made this treck before me. I am not talking to those of you that get knocked up at the drop of a hat or the moment you think about having a baby but to those that waited a long time and it took forever to make a baby for them and by forever I mean more than a year. To those that still do not have a child of their own yet even after trying for such a long time do not give up hope! Heavenly Father has a plan for us all and maybe mine is to wait for now. . .
