I know there have been many blogs or posts about infertility and dealing with it. But this one is mine and it's special to me. (Forgive the semi-reference to full metal jacket.) I love my friends and I love their support. And now for the but. . . it's hard for them to really feel what I am going through. I know they want to help ease this pain/ache I have at not having children yet, but comparing it to being single and trying to find a husband is hurtful and almost cheapens the miracle that is having a child. No it is in no way the same, there is a chemical need in our bodies to have children, there is also a spiritual need. I do not believe there is a same chemical reaction to finding a husband. I would be happy to be single but have a child, it almost seems better than to be married and try to have a child but not have one. Do not get me wrong I love my husband but I am not his mother and I do not want to be his mother, so this does not satisfy my ache to have a child. Animals are cute and cuddly but they are no substitute for a child. There is something special about raising a child, teaching them about their world, the trust they place in your hands there is nothing that compares. Every time I see another woman with a swollen belly, my heart breaks and aches. What I wouldn't give to be her to trade places with her on even her worst day! I know many of you will say well you don't know her trials and so forth, but I am telling you from the bottom of my heart I don't care what trials I would face, I would give anything for a child of my own. Some say well at least you are young and have plenty of time to have children, to them I say do I really? I mean tomorrow is not promised and who knows what will happen to me, or Jon. They also say well you can always adopt, yes we could if we had the money and the resources to do so. I would love that child just as much as if it were our own; but when you are a school teacher and your husband is a musician, money is not really that abondent. I have also heard many horror stories from others that have tried to adopt infants and I do not think my own faith or sanity could with stand those same traumas. I know many couples that were told "I want to place my child with you," only to have their hearts broken by that same person. I am not as strong as I appear, I am weak when it comes to my heart and those I love. My heart would break into a million little pieces if I were told "Sorry I have changed my mind." I do not think I would be able to put myself back together after that. So while
I say I would with stand any trial, I do not think that would be one I could handle.
I cannot tell you how many times I have heard "Stop trying so hard and it will happen!" or "When you stop trying that's when it will happen!" or "After you adopt, THAT's when it will happen!" or "Stop thinking about it and it will happen!" or "When we did insert big purchase or life changing event here, that's when it happened for us." or "When God thinks it's your time it will happen for you." Well, while I understand the need to say something please don't, it only hurts me further to hear these things, because it feels as though it is implied that I or my husband are doing something wrong or haven't met some imaginary mile-stone. If you want to help lend an ear, a shoulder to cry on, just be sympathetic, I am not looking for a fix, I am looking for a friend. I often times feel like people are tired of hearing about my issues. I get it, when I get on the "I am sad because I don't have baby yet" mode, it's no fun and I am trying I really am. Please be patient with me I am trying to work through something very big and hard for me right now. Although I have faced many very difficult issues this has been the hardest for me yet.
