A friend asked me today if something was wrong. She asked this because I did not respond the way she expected to something she said, also she said that it seemed like I was holding on to something. The only thing I think that is different about me lately is I lack that positive spin on life. I am used to seeing at least one thing that is positive or that there is something positive that will come out of a situation. You know personal growth and blah blah blah. I am far too sensitive to things that others feel I wouldn't or shouldn't be sensitive about and no I am not pregnant! UGH! Life has become this spiral of bad. Jon and I have had finical difficulty for the past few months and Jon said it looks like we might come out ahead this month. My response is yeah that must mean we forgot to pay something or that something bad is about to happen. My response in the past might have been to have been thankful that we have even a little to put into to savings or to pay down a debt. Do not mistake me I am grateful for any extra but I can't shake this feeling that something terrible is about to happen.
I feel ganged up on by life. If I decide to do something good for my body it seems that there are people that feel they know better than me just because they are older or read an article in a magazine/online somewhere. If I decide to change my diet because I want to see if it will help me to get pregnant, damn it it's your job to go along with that. You can't possible understand what lengths I will go to if you have not experienced the infertility issues that I am facing. It has been 1 year and 7 months since we decided to have a child and nothing has happened yet. Yes we have tried the ovulation kits, yes we have seen a doctor, no they can't figure it out yet, yes we have done insemination, and no I have not asked for a chemical to boost my egg production yet. I was trying to go a more natural route first see if a little diet change for the better would help. I will try that next but I can't help feeling that we may never have children and I am NOT OK WITH THAT! God's plan or not I am NOT ok with not having children. I am tired of waiting, I am sick to death of hearing it will happen when it's supposed to! If that were true then every freaking teenage girl that gets knocked up is SUPPOSED to be knocked up and it's GOD's plan for that. Seriously?! God thinks that a 16 year old is supposed to get in over her head with a child? It's God's plan for me to suffer so much agony over once again getting my period! It's God's plan to teach me something. . . right? I am supposed to endure to the end right? Well at some point I cannot help but feel like Bruce from the movie Bruce Almighty "Fine! The gloves are off pal! C'mon, lemme see a little wrath! Smite me, O mighty smiter! You're the one who should be fired! The only one around here not doing his job is You! ANSWER ME!!!" I know you get what you ask for right? Well, if that were true then we would have had a little boy by now or any baby for that matter! "God helps those that help themselves," well I say trying to get our act together, going to the doctor and doing our best to make things work counts as us helping ourselves.
The final truth is I have lost hope. I have lost hope that life will get better. I have lost hope that we will ever be parents. I have lost hope that we will ever have a better than ok life. I have lost hope that anything great or wonderful will ever happen in my life. I work so hard, as does my husband, but nothing ever seems to get better for us. There are some bright shiny spots in my life, don't get me wrong. I have wonderful friends, family and in-laws, but that doesn't fix what is broken.
I know there are people that have it worse off than I do, I truly do know this, but it doesn't help with not having any hope. If anything it only deepens the despair that I feel. I look at this people and think to myself how can this world be like this? How can God let this happen? He is God, he has the power to fix it all in a second, in the blink of an eye. I also think how can I ever feel sorry for myself it's not as bad as their situation. This kind of thinking only makes it worse, because now I am a terrible person for feeling sorry for myself. I wish I could just get over it and suck it up, it would make things so much easier. I just can't! I see injustice and I want to fix it but I can't. How do you find the will to look for that silver lining when everything seems so black?
Bottom line life is hard and it has been for me always. I have seen some joy but it has always been crushed by darkness and pain. So I will carry on until I see the light of joy again. I will do so with a smile on my face and an ache in my heart for things hoped for but never given.
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